A year without you is now painfully close.
I can feel it all over me and through my bones. How have I lived 363 days without you? I never knew it was possible to miss anyone this much.
I want more than anything, for some unseen force to just breathe the life back into you; to give you one last giant bear hug, and feel your skinny frame hold me so tight against your chest. I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t give just to see your smile again outside of a photograph; there are some things pictures could never capture.
I want the late nights back. The phone calls, the pointless stories you’d tell, the times I went to watch you skate, the sleepovers, the park adventures, the nacho libre quotes, that time you picked me flowers, the long car rides, the taco bell trips, the giant hugs and cheek kisses, the big boob jokes, the Zelda and Chapelle Show marathons, the lake trips, the bonfires; I want it all back. I want you back, but I know you’d never want to come back to a filthy place like this. I know you’re much happier where you are, and I really, truly believe you’re up there in heaven, but selfishly, all I can think about is how much I long for you to be here; for your heart to still be beating; for your lungs to still be rising and falling with each breath. I miss the infantile security of you being within my reach.
I imagine you exactly as you were: playing all the same pranks, singing all the same songs and smiling the same smile because they still make you just as happy as you always did.
I’ll always hold so many memories of you so close to my heart, so deeply buried inside the places that can not be emptied. I hope you can see how deep my pain is, because that is the only way you’ll ever understand how much I loved, and always will love you. You never knew how special you were while you were here, and I hope you see it now. So many people love you. So many people miss you. Maybe all the tears of all the people that loved and all the pain that is so incredibly distracting at times will be what paints all of our lives; maybe we are your legacy. And because of you, none of us will ever be the same again, and your memory will never die.
